You're so vain

You're so vain, You probably think this blog is about you, You're so vain, I'll bet you think this blog is about you, Don't you? Don't you?


Who hasn't been involved with a self-absorbed significant other at some point in their lives?  Not to be confused with the self-centered and selfish which will be covered another time.  I'm talking about the men and women who can't pass by a mirror without taking a minute or two to admire themselves. The one's who are so impressed with their accomplishments they feel it necessary to tell anyone with a set of ears about them.  The superficial species that spend the majority of their time at the gym, tanning salons and dermatologist receiving poison injections.


Now, there is nothing wrong with a bit of confidence. Quite honestly, I find I'm generally not attracted to those that don't exude a bit of cockiness , and I'm sure the same applies to many...and this my friends is how we've all been tangled up with an egomaniac at some point in our lives.  They suck you in like a Dyson Animal with that arrogant air about them. However, once you've been sucked in, you quickly realize your simply trapped in a wind tunnel of suffocating debris and you can't wait to be let the hell out.


A few years ago I went on a couple of dates with a slightly older gentleman, who happened to be a plastic surgeon, (Your going to find I've been on more dates, with more types, than I care to recall. When you date in your late 30's you'll find you're a lot less tolerant than you were in your early 20's, hence, it results in many dates).  He was attractive, intelligent, had a career, seemed to have his act together.  That he was 50ish, (he never divulged, I surmised), and had never been married, or even in a lengthy relationship triggered a slight "hmmm?" in the back of my head, but I was in his path and that patented Dyson ball technology had zeroed in on me.  On our first date we went to a nice restaurant and had a nice meal.  All the while I quietly listened as he told me about his booming practice, his million dollar home on the beach and all the upgrades he was currently having done, his convertible Porche 9 something or other, and how everyone turned to look when he drove by and so on and so on.  In a brief moment, as he was taking a breath to reload, I interjected "it sounds like you've done very well for yourself, that's admirable, however, a persons character impresses me more than their accomplishments".  He seemed to briefly take the hint and switched gears long enough that when he called for a second date I accepted.  On the second date, there was much more of the same rhetoric as the first, but when he offered me a free boob job and botox so I could look as good as him when I reached his age I had to put an end to the insanity...so I said, "I've been considering having my boobs done after my son finishes breast feeding".  He looked at me somewhat puzzled and said, "I thought your son was 6?", to which I tilted my head, raised my eyebrows, and cheerfully replied, "yeah, that's right", (totally untrue for those of you not catching on), and  for the first time all night he was silent...and it was beautiful.  The date ended shortly thereafter and I never had to listen to what a wonderful catch he was again.  


I firmly believe that the only people that would be in a longstanding relationship with someone of this nature are those who are as superficial as them. Hence, there would be no reason for the relationship to end based on this reason.  Therefore, the details typically provided on how to end things in the different stages is irrelevant.  With this said, following are some great ways to cut a date short when you find yourself being sucked into that wind tunnel.....

• When you feel the date is beginning to head south, start addressing them by any name but theirs.  This will deflate their ego quite a bit.
• Every time they begin to tell you something about themself, cut them off and tie it into something about your ex.  "Oh yeah, my ex used to drive a Porche", "My ex always told me I had great boobs"...smile as if the thought of your ex makes you happy
• Ask them about something in their life, then tell them how you are morally opposed to whatever school, job, or experience they tell you about. The stupider your reason for hating it, the better.
• Start flirting with the waiter.  If the waiter is the same sex even better.  (This may work better for a man than a woman)